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Is Casual Sex Really Casual?


If you've been single for a while, then the idea of having a sexual relationship without the bonds of romance may have crossed your mind. Casual sex relationships can be enticing. You’ll have a friend to hang-out with, a regular sex partner you can trust, and none of the messy drama of a romantic relationship.

Before you grab a friend and hop into bed, there are a few things you should know as things can turn sticky quickly. (And not a good sticky.)

This kind of relationship may be more enjoyable for some people. We call those people men. Men, stereotypically, find it easier to have sex with without getting emotionally attached. Some men say that it’s their ideal to have only “friends with benefits” relationship.

Women (also stereotypically) are a little different. Even if they feel that they are emotionally strong enough to embark on the "casual sex" journey, it’s unusual for that desire to be permanent. Whether they want to or not, some women start seeing romance creep into their sexual relationships, and gradually feelings start developing. Biologically, the human female is not made for constant casual sex. During erotic stimulation and orgasm, the female has a spike in oxytocin which makes her feel attached and affectionate towards her sexual partner. No matter how prepared she may be for the experience, it’s difficult to battle these frequent feelings. Challenging the feelings becomes difficult and takes constant vigilance, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not doable.

Am I saying that a woman can’t have satisfying casual sex? Of course not! Sex without emotional attachment is possible, but the question to ask oneself is: is it really as rewarding as we're led to believe?

Regardless of, and likely because of, there being issues of ethics involved, more people want casual sex than will actually admit. Take a look at the number of adult online dating sites out there, and you must agree.

If you’ve been through a few of these casual-sex relationships and are finding the pattern unrewarding, instead of again entangling yourself in a repeat scenario which may lead to the same heartbreak, consider making changes that will improve your next relationship. Always give yourself another opportunity to get things right. In so doing, you’ll have to do a deep personal inventory about your deepest desires and willingness to improve.

Don't get me wrong, it’s not that I’m against casual sex, it just needs to be understood that it is not as straight-forward as it is portrayed in the movies. How well it works depends on life-stage, emotional stability and culture of both partners. Because one person may tend to falter before the other, some good advice is to clearly communicate with your potential partner. You must be able to tell your partner that you are not ready for a romantic relationship and have no expectation that it will change with that person. It’s critical to state your expectations. Similarly, if your desires change and you desire romance from this partner, it’s critical to honestly communicate this, and unless the partner is in full agreement, allow the casual relationship to end amicably. Once the relationship ends, if the individual was a platonic friend, it can be very difficult to revert to a non-sexual relationship due to some degree of sexual pair-bonding. If you find these transitions difficult, a sex coach can help guide you. Contact me, and I’ll be your wingman.

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